It's Our Thoughts That Make Us Tired

A dear family member teases me all the time about my coffee-drinking habit…and I know that person is smiling while reading this.

Here’s what happens:

1. As soon as I wake up I crawl toward that first cup of java. I can’t function without it!
2. Then, because the first felt soooo good, I down a second cup.
3. And then I am AWAKE!!! And all revved up! And I get going on a bunch of projects and thoughts and errands, all at once…
4. which becomes confusing and stressful and mentally exhausting
5. …which makes me feel like I need another cup of coffee…
6. which perks me up, yes. But in that nervous, frenetic, squirrel-in-the-middle-of-the-road sort of way…
7. which makes me even less efficient, more scattered, and then more exhausted-feeling.

What finally, finally, finally dawned on me, is that it’s my thoughtsthat are making me tired. (I exercise and get enough sleep and eat well and am in good health).

Dan Wile confirms this. In After the Honeymoon, he points out how we constantly judge and blame our loved ones and ourselves. We become exhausted and confused with all our endless internal Thou Shalt Not’s.

We don’t realize how much this hidden blame – especially self-blame – interferes with our ability to think and talk effectively about problems.
Our thinking continually breaks down. We go along fine, thinking more or less logically, when, zap, we start accusing ourselves or our partners, and useful thinking comes to a halt.
Certain ideas…have become so ingrained in our thinking that they can be thought of as a new set of commandments.

Here’s Dr. Wile’s list of Thou Shalt Not’s. We’re constantly labeling other people with these, and worrying about them in ourselves:

Thou shalt not be:

• Dependent
• Self-centered (selfish)
• Jealous (unless you have a reason)
• Boastful
• Withdrawn (or withholding)
• Afraid of intimacy
• Depressed
• Oversensitive
• Unwilling to take risks

And thou shalt not:

• Wallow in self-pity
• Worry about things you can do nothing about
• Run away from your problems

And thou shalt not be:

• Controlling (bossy, manipulative)
• Defensive
• A nag
• A wimp

Thou shalt not:

• Be perfectionistic
• Have unrealistic expectations
• Fail to take responsibility for yourself
• Have a negative attitude

Some Thou shalt nots contradict one another.

• Thou shalt not be sexually cold
• Thou shalt not be promiscuous
• Thou shalt not be a dirty old man
• Thou shalt always be ready and eager for sex

Some are generational. Thou shalt not:

• Fail to fulfill your potential
• Be a workaholic
• Be codependent
• Suppress your anger (because it will just build up)

Which contradicts…

• Thou shalt not express anger (because it will just cause problems)
• In fact, thou shalt not be angry at all.

The effect of this sort of thinking is to make life a minefield.
An exhausting minefield!


So I’m now paying close attention to all the automatic judgments I make, all day, every day.
And it seems like every little move I make, I judge myself. I can add a whole bunch to Dr. Wile’s list:

• I’m writing a post, but I “should” be doing the dishes (Thou shalt not be a slob).
• I’m doing the dishes, but I “should” be out for a walk (Thou shalt not waste a lovely day by hanging around indoors).
• I’m out for a walk, thinking about how I “should” be at the Y (Thou shalt not pay to join things and then not attend them).
• I’m at a Pilates class at the Y, thinking about the blog post I “should” be writing (Thou shalt not fail to post regularly).

Gee, but my head is tired…it makes me want to reach for another cup of coffee…

By Leigh Pretnar Cousins,MS